Star jumps; apres moi, le deluge


31 December We are having a very jolly time at Mrs V’s house. So far, we have eaten a lot of sausage rolls, drunk a great deal of wine, laughed a lot about nothing in particular, set off a number of Chinese sky lanterns with enthusiasm but not very much skill (as most of them flew straight into the tree in next door’s garden, where they burned themselves out reproachfully, leaving their charred skeletal remains suspended among the branches), and danced almost continuously to Stairway to Heaven (I’d forgotten what a very long track that is; by the time it was over, I was slumped over Mrs V in a scene reminiscent of They Shoot Horses, Don’t They? Google it – you’ll see what I mean.) Still, according to Mr Young, it was a wonderful party. I may even have been the life and soul of it at one point.

Unfortunately, neither of us can remember.

1 January Yet another family gathering, with even more food. This time, it is at my sister Rachel’s house. She is definitely the winner this time. She has cooked a lasagne, a chilli, a chocolate mousse and a roulade, and there are smoked salmon blinis, baklava and champagne. I do my bit by eating everything with relish – by that I mean with enthusiasm, not with chutney. I really do believe that the greatest invention of the last century has to be the elasticated waistband.

2 January I’ve been extremely busy today and have managed to clear the house completely of all chocolates, biscuits, cake, cheese, anything with pastry on it or around it, cheesecake, and stray leftovers. This would be commendable if I hadn’t cleared it by stuffing the contents into my stomach instead of into a large – very large – bin bag. Still, my New Year Diet and Exercise Plan starts tomorrow, which is my New Year Resolution for 2011. I have spent a great deal of time putting this together in minute detail. I am keen to get Mr Young involved in my NYDAEP. He is a handsome enough fellow, but I don’t see why I have to be the only one to suffer the extreme deprivations and hard physical work that my NYDAEP will necessarily incur. After all, it’s not as if my New Year Resolution for 2011 is to Be Extra Nice. That was my Resolution for 2010.

(Although, come to think of it, that wasn’t very successful. I hope this year’s will last slightly longer than three days.)

3 January Am slightly annoyed that I missed noticing that 1 January was actually 1.1.11. I also missed out on noticing 10.10.10, which, obviously, was quite recent. It’s going to be practically two years before 12.12.12 comes around. Because I wasn’t aware of them at the time, does this mean they were blind dates?

(Great pun. Crowd goes wild.)

However, I am aware that this is just another desperate attempt at procrastination because my exercise dvd is waiting impatiently upstairs for me so that I can begin my NYDAEP. I seem to remember that star jumps are involved.

Even with my elasticated waistband, it won’t be a pretty sight.

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